Using Time-Outs to Manage Conflict

We’ve most likely all been in time-out before.  Usually a parent, babysitter or some other caregiver sees us doing something destructive or irritating and we’re slapped with a punishment.  However, adults need time-outs as well when they become overwhelmed during conflict in their relationships.  Taking a break when discussions become heated or escalate into fights is an important element of preserving compassion and affection for your partner.

During fights our blood pressure raises, our heart rate increases and our ability to thinking clearly and rationally diminishes rapidly.  These are now ideal conditions to manage conflict with your partner.  Taking a break allows you time to relax, calm down and approach the conflict with renewed focus. 

How can I tell if I need a time-out?

• You are feeling overwhelmed
• You are yelling
• You are crying
• You want to run away from the fight
• You cannot think straight
• You may hurt something or someone

What are the guidelines for a time-out?

Duration: Time-outs are most effective when they last at least 30 minutes.  Your body will return to pre-conflict conditions after 30 minutes, so if you only a 5 minute breather you are doing you and your partner a disservice.  Set your watch, an eggtimer or your cell-phone stop watch and reconvene at the end of your 30 minutes.

Location: Establish with your partner where you will both go if you need a time-out.  Maybe he goes out to the garage, and you go on a walk around the neighborhood.  You’ll need to determine this ahead of time so when you reach the point where you need a break, you will both know where to go. Who will take care of the children if you need to take a time-out? 

Action: If you spend your time-out figuring out how to win the argument, or how you will present your “case”, you will lose out on the benefit of a time-out.  Your break should involve something that relaxes you, not continues to overwhelm you. I like to read tabloid magazines or drive to the grocery store.  You can decide what works best for you.  Reading from your new book?  Looking for a new recipe online?  Grabbing the dog and talking him on a walk?  Do something that helps you focus on yourself and the things that bring you joy.

What happens when our time-out is over?

Reconvene in a predetermined place, most likely where you were when you took the time out.  Ideally your time-out has allowed you some space and you can have a discussion about your conflict rather than a fight.  It’s been my experience several times that after a time-out, an issue no longer seems important and we can apologize and move on.  However, there are issues that require multiple time-outs.  If you come together after your 30 minutes of relaxation and find that you’re still overwhelmed and fighting take another break.  It may seem like it drags out conflict, but it helps to approach it with care and respect. 

"I" Statements: Decreasing Defensiveness in Conflict

If you ask successful couples what the key to their success is, more often than not you will hear “good communication”.  Having open and effective communication seems to be the relationship Holy Grail.  Effective communication is what keeps discussions from turning into arguments, and support from turning into criticism.

Enhancing your ability to communicate honestly, especially when you’re struggling with your partner, can be as simple (not EASY) as using an “I” statement.  When I began practicing therapy, I was amazed at how life changing “I” statements can be.  An “I” statement is way of making your thoughts, feelings and needs known to your partner without blame or criticism.  By focusing on what your needs are, you decrease the chance that your partner will react defensively, and defensiveness is one of the predictors of divorce.

An “I” statement is a simple formula, that once mastered allows you to communicate your emotions and needs in almost any situation. 

I feel (insert emotion) when (specific behavior or action).  I need (what would make you feel better).

Let’s break this down, because it’s more difficult than it seems.

I feel (insert emotion)…

I can’t tell you how many people can’t get the hang of this part.  “I feel like you’re being an asshole” or “I feel that you don’t care” are NOT emotions.  Emotions include anger, sadness, joy, frustration, confusion, fear, etc.  If you’re using more than one word, or say “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” STOP.  Get to the heart of how you’re really feeling, find the best emotion and go with it.

...when (specific behavior)…

Take the word “you” out of the equation.  Tired of your partner not picking up around the house?  Try “I feel frustrated when the house doesn’t get cleaned” versus “I feel frustrated when you don’t clean the house”.  Keep this part of the “I” statement specific and concise.  You will have better luck if address issues one at a time. 

I need (what would make you feel better)…

Couples, and especially women, tend to have a very difficult time with this last part of the “I” statement.  It is the age old trick of offering a solution with every problem you bring up.  If you’re feeling angry because your partner is picking on you in front of your friends, make sure that you let him or her know that you need to feel supported and encouraged in your relationship.  Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you need to feel safe and loved.

I like to give this example when I explain “I” statements to couples while in therapy.  Imagine you come home from a long day at work and dishes are piled in the sink.  Imagine this isn’t the first time you’ve been greeted by a messy kitchen, and it’s really beginning to get to you.  Your first instinct may be to criticize your partner; calling her lazy for leaving the dishes in the sink or calling him unsupportive for not helping out around the house.  You’re probably feeling frustrated and angry, and if you criticize your partner you will not get what you want.

Try this instead: “I feel frustrated when the dishes don’t get done in a timely manner.  I need help keeping this house clean.” 

The first several times you use an “I” statement can leave you feeling like you're speaking a foreign language.  However, with consistent and thoughtful use, you can alter the way you communicate with your partner.  Decrease defensiveness and employ healthy communication with an “I” statement next time you’re feeling frustrated/sad/angry with your partner.

Breaking Up is Hard To Do

I recently read about a dentist who got revenge on her ex-boyfriend by pulling out all his teeth.  WOW.  Breakups are rarely easy, but revenge like that is extreme.  As the song says, “breaking up is hard to do”.  I am always amazed when I watch break ups on TV and in the movies, because they last two minutes.  It tends to go something like this…

Woman: We’re over.

Man: Seriously?  Why?

Woman: I can’t trust you.

Man: Okay.  See you around I guess.

Breakups are not a singular event, they are a process.  Usually a break up has been weeks, months and even years in the making.  They get messy, they get emotional and they are hard.  So how do you deal with a breakup without losing your dignity and your sanity?

• • Feel it.  Nothing is going to magically get you “over” your ex.  In my job as a therapist, I frequently work with clients who are in the process of breaking up or are in the early stages of recovering from a split.  Anger, confusion, sadness and relief are common emotions that often get brought up over and over again.  If you are in the process of breaking up (and it is a process, isn’t it?) or are newly single, know that it is okay to sit with those emotions.  Be sad, mentally kick your ex’s butt all over town and watch sad movies while eating ice cream, but give yourself a two week limit.  After that, try and get back into a new routine (and ditch the ice cream and get yourself to gym).
  • Support.  Call on your troops to support you.  Guy’s night out, having a friend come over and long talks with loved ones are essential in the first few days and weeks post-breakup.  I remember going through a breakup and loving when my friends came over to spend time with me, because I felt supported and loved.  It made me feel better almost instantly.
  • Remember WHY you broke up.  I loved the book “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken” by Greg Behrendt and his wife Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  The right man will not break up with you. The right woman will not break up with you.  Remember that!  This helped me whenever I had the desire to backslide into a bad relationship.  Remember that he is controlling or that she didn’t get along with your family.  Reminding yourself of the (many, many, many) reasons for the breakup will help to keep you focused on the fact that this happened for a reason.
  • Don’t call/ text/ facebook for at least three months.  You need to detox from the relationship.  This is the hardest rule to follow, but it’s essential if you want to save your dignity.  No one wants to get the “BUT WE BELONG TOGETHER!” text message, and you’ll immediately regret sending it.  Now, if you have shared children, pets or a home this is not always possible. 
  • Focus on you.  It’s freeing to not have to consider someone else’s schedule, habits, wants and needs for a change.  What are some of the things YOU want to do?  After one of my breakups, I dyed my hair, hit the gym and really made an effort to better myself physically and emotionally.  By the time I was ready to start dating, I was at my best. 
  • Put yourself out there.  There is no rule to how fast you’ll be “over” your ex, but it may surprise you.  You may be over a 4 year relationship in a matter of days, but dwell on the ending of a six month relationship.  Meeting new people is a great way to feel confident and see who else is out there.  After months or years with blinders on while in a relationship, it’s time to test the waters and begin dating.  Take your time, but don’t be afraid to meet new people because you’ve been hurt in the past.

What is your best breakup advice?

Are You Ready For a Long Distance Relationship?

Recently a good friend of mine had an interesting dilemma.  Her boyfriend of just under two months accepted a job on the West Coast.  Although they had been dating a short time, they both were saddened to end a relationship that had long-term potential.  “It’s hard,” she said “because it’s not like we broke up.  Things were going great, but he’s moving across country.” 

There were a few options for my friend: end the relationship or try to make a long-distance relationship (LDR) work.  This lead to several interesting conversations about LDRs, and if she was ready for one. 

LDRs happen for many different reasons: one partner moves away for work or school, people meet at conferences or vacations and decide to keep a relationship going, or perhaps they meet online.  Regardless of the reason why couples choose to engage in LDRs, one thing is universal: they are difficult.

I myself was in an LDR for one year when my then-boyfriend moved out of state.  I planned to move out of state with him when I graduated college the following year.  It was difficult to be apart, but I enjoyed my freedom as a senior in college.  I knew there was an end-point, or a time where we would no longer an in a LDR, just a regular ole’ R. 

However, in my friend’s circumstance, there would be no end-point.  No ability to push through the difficult times by saying “only three more months!” Their LDR would be an indefinite one, and ultimately she chose not to pursue the relationship.  “You know, it’s hard because if he was here, we would be in a great relationship,” she said.

So how do you know if you’re ready to take on an LDR?

End-point  Is there a foreseeable end to the long distance?  LDRs are difficult enough when you do know when you’ll be together; however, in my friend’s case she did not see a time when they would both live in the same city so she chose not to pursue a relationship.  If you do not have an end-point, it can become difficult to plan your future with your partner.

Commitment  How committed are you to your partner?  It is likely that you will both be faced with temptation, and it’s important to have a conversation about this.  Being in a committed LDR means resisting the urge to be unfaithful or fulfill the physical and emotional void left when your partner isn’t in the same city.

Stage of life  When I was in an LDR, the timing was quite good.  I was a senior in college and had ample time to spend studying and spending quality time with my girlfriends.  There were many times where I was thankful to not have a boyfriend around so I could enjoy my freedom.  However, at this point in my life I would not be as appreciative for time alone and would choose not to start an LDR.

Support  Being in an LDR requires a lot of support from friends and family.  What are your resources for support?  If you have a good network of people who care about you and are there to comfort you, you are in a better position to engage in an LDR. 

The choice, ultimately, is yours.  Whether you choose to begin an LDR or you choose to pursue other relationships is a deeply personal decision.  In the case of my friend, she weighed her options and, painful as it was, decided that she was not ready for an LDR. 

What are your thoughts on LDRs?

Reader Relationship Advice

Reader Relationship Advice is going to be an ongoing column dedicated to featuring tips from readers about keeping their relationship happy, healthy, and exciting. 

Monica, married nearly two years, says "To keep a relationship exciting, try something new together like a new restaurant or running a 5K. Make sure you do things together so that you don't grow apart. And you'll make great memories along the way."


Jessica, engaged to be married in September, says that learning about her partner's hobbies and interests have helped them grow closer together.  "I show an interest in his passions, like IU basketball and Notre Dame football. I will always set aside what I'm doing to watch and enjoy the games with him, and I make an effort to learn about the teams so we can enjoy it all together. It's something simple, but I think it really makes a difference."  In return, her partner has begun participating in her passion: fitness. 


Dan, married 17 years this fall, says that apologizing when he's wrong and being accountable for his mistakes keeps his relationship healthy.  "If I'm wrong, I admit it.  If she's wrong, she admits it.  We don't play the blame game." 


Jenny, who will be celebrating her 25th anniversary this year, says the key to her happy relationship is never going a day without saying "I love you".  She also knows effective communication is key.  "You have to never assume your spouse knows how you feel, they need to hear it."

If you have any tips you'd like to see in an upcoming feature, email me at inrelationblog@gmail.com, leave a comment here on on my facebook page!

Domestic Violence: Beyond the Bruises

Last week I was working with a woman in her 30s who was seeking treatment for her depression and anxiety.  We spent nearly half an hour discussing her relationship with her live-in boyfriend who alternated between periods of yelling, berating her, name-calling and being very sweet and apologetic for his behavior.  “He thinks I’m cheating on him every time I leave the house, even if I’m only going to appointments.  If I do my hair or put on makeup, he assumes it’s for some guy and he goes off.”  The question I asked her after this discussion seemed to shock her.  “How long have you been in an abusive relationship?”  She looked at me for a minute, and then shook her head.  “He isn’t abusive.  He’s never laid a hand on me.” 

Similarly, I was working with a woman, Sandra* who was being controlled financially.  Her boyfriend, Nick*, would exploit her mental illness and steal her money each month, leaving her near financial ruin.  Nick would come to appointments with her and demand to sit in her sessions.  When I explained to him that I would not see Sandra when he was present, he became very anxious and angry with me.  Nick was so controlling of Sandra’s behavior, that he felt threatened if she spoke to anyone without him present.  Sandra, while denying that Nick ever hit her, did not know that she was experiencing domestic violence. 

It is a common myth that abuse can only be physical or sexual.  Most clients can identify when they are bring abused physically or sexually; however, domestic violence means more than being hit, punched or raped.  Emotional abuse, controlling behaviors, name calling, withholding finances as punishment and many more behaviors that are not typically associated with domestic violence.   



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Take a look at the Power and Control Wheel that identifies many ways abusers  perpetrate violence.  Many of the men and women I work with a surprised to learn that using intimidation, isolating your partner, blaming, and economic abuse are considered violent behaviors.  Educate yourself about domestic violence, and ask yourself if any of these behaviors are present in your relationship. 

If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, you can reach out by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)

Make Your Bedroom a Technology Free Zone

One of the biggest barriers to increasing intimacy and satisfaction with your sex life is in your pocket right now.  Your smartphone. 

Technology is wonderful, but it has its place.  That place is not your bedroom.  Having a TV, a computer and smartphone in your bedroom can put a damper on your sex life.  It's much easier to focus on your partner when you're not focused on the latest episode of Mad Men or checking facebook.  Eliminating technology from the bedroom puts your partner as the focal point, naturally increasing your odds for intimacy.

My home has a technology ban in the bedroom, and my relationship is much better for it.  I found out how helpful this was by accident.  Several years ago, I moved into an apartment without a cable hookup in the bedroom.  I remember having a twinge of panic.  How am I going to watch Conan now?! But I came to see that after a week, I didn't even miss it.  Having no TV meant that when I came to bed, I was actually going to bed, not laying around watching bad TV until I fell asleep.

Now, instead of checking my email or texting with my sisters, I'm focusing on my partner.  We talk about our day, our plans for the future and really spend quality time with each other.  It is a common complaint in the therapy room that partners feel like they don't have enough time for each other.  I felt that way too, until I eliminated distractions in the bedroom.  You have to make time.

Don't think you can give up the TV?  Try it for a week.  Throw a scarf over the TV and hide the remote.  Move your computer into the living room.  Make your partner your focus.  Catch up, talk about your dream vacation, or just plain have sex!  You'll be amazed at how much more connected you can feel in as little as week if you ban technology from the bedroom.

How do you feel about technology in the bedroom?